Keeping my head above water...barely

So, it's been awhile since I posted. The holidays and my husband's deployment and my boys' schedule and nursing school are keeping me so busy I don't feel like I have time to breathe. And when I do have time to breathe and take a moment for me, I spend nearly every minute of that time feeling guilty because I SHOULD be studying or doing homework or prepping for clinicals.

Nursing school is hard enough, but add deployments to it and somedays I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. (Where is that drowning emoticon when you need it??) Typically I hit that deployment depression right at the midway point because it seems like it's been a long time since you've seen your husband and there's still a long time to go. This is the longest deployment we've been through thus far, but somehow it's only 5 weeks out and I'm feeling like that point. I'm sure it has a bit to do with the fact that due to the boys' sports schedules, I don't have a single day where I can stay home and focus completely on nursing school. I always have to keep the boys' schedules in my mind so that I know to pick up who, where, and when! It's absolutely insane! Why did I think I could do this again?! I think I need reminded, because tonight, I'm sitting here and wondering how in the hell I thought I could do it all! Sure, reminding myself that this should be the last deployment is helpful. But right now, the boys are in bed, things are quiet, I should be studying or doing work and I can't get up the energy to do it, so instead I've been watching some shows off my DVR and feeling guilty the whole time.

Maybe it's because it's the last deployment?
Maybe it's because it's the longest one we've dealt with?
Maybe it's because it's nursing school and hello?! It's freaking harder than anything I've done!!
Maybe it's because this time of year is the worst time for the boys' sports schedules?
Maybe it's because this year was the first year my husband has missed our wedding anniversary?
Maybe it's because this year was the first year my husband missed Valentine's Day?
Maybe it's because my birthday is in like a day and he won't be here for that either?
Maybe it's because I don't feel like I ever have a moment to myself?

DH has said on more than one occasion since he's deployed that he owes me BIG when he comes home. I don't care about that necessarily, but I sure as hell want a freaking vacation when he gets home! Is it a bad thing to say that I'd like part of it to be just by myself?! It sounds selfish, I know. I'll probably change my mind by the time he gets home because...haha...no I won't, who am I kidding?! I thought that I'd enjoy spring break because the kids will be at school and I'll have some time where I don't have to think about what's next, but nope, they'll still have basketball practices and games and parent teacher conferences, and even a day off in there somewhere! And I was thinking that once summer arrives, it won't be so bad...but yeah, there's still track practices and meets and Lord knows what else. And then the kids will be off and they will drive each other crazy which will drive me crazy. Yeah, I want a vacation. Somewhere alone so I can do whatever I want whenever I want without having to think about anyone else's schedules and needs but my own! Yeah, I really sound like a selfish bitch and I hate that.

Whenever DH deploys I think, I'll get in shape and lose some weight and blah blah blah and here it is, 5 weeks in and I can't even get a good exercise program going. In fact, where do I put it?! I have class on Monday mornings, clinicals 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off on Tuesdays and on one of those off weeks, the Tuesday is a lab eval(until late March, then clinicals are 2 days a week instead of just one) and then Wednesdays are off unless we have a Monday off due to a holiday then that class sometimes comes on the Wednesday. Thursdays are labs if we have them, otherwise off. Then there are Friday classes. Weekends are a rough time to get any homework done due to the kids being home. Afternoons and evenings are impossible due to kids needing help with homework or sometimes just being redirected to DO their homework, otherwise they'll sit around and do nothing. Also there are practice pickups and hauling back and forth to games and study groups for the oldest. So on Mondays and Fridays and some Tuesdays and Thursdays I have about 3 hours to get any homework/reading done and most Wednesdays and I can't find a moment to fit a workout in between any of this! I mean, I should really include one week's worth of assignments so you can see it. How about the week of February 7th?
Monday morning 9am-12pm class
Read 53 pages
Watch 6 videos
Take a pre-test
Do the quizes and assignments that are associated with the concepts that you didn't pass 80% or higher on that pre-test.
Do the post test until you get 100%
(The above is just ONE lab module and we had 6 due before Thursday of that week)
Tuesday work on more lab modules, pages may vary and amount of videos vary according to the subject. Like the next subject was reading 66 pages and 8 videos, etc)
Then lab Practice from 8am to noon on Thursday morning, come home and bust ass to get all the assignments done before 9am Friday such as reading 200 pages (I kid you not) watching 2 powerpoints (one of which took about 2 hours), do 3 assignments to turn in, take a quiz (open book), and then study for a quiz in class on Friday morning between 9-12pm. Then Friday afternoon, it starts all over again for the next week because you have to prep for Monday morning's class, the lab eval that is held on Tuesday morning, then you have a couple of days off to prep for Friday's class, then it starts all over for this week, except now I have to prep for clinicals by preparing a 2-3 minute speech on a peer reviewed nursing article, writing up I don't know how many meds for my med prep form (right now we're at 10 meds, but we're supposed to have the complete list by Monday at noon at which point we have to bust ass to have it in clinicals at 7am Tuesday morning), from the med prep form, we have to prepare a patient teaching form and read a 7 page article and answer some questions about a case study; oh yeah and study the meds we will be having a quiz on at clinicals. I haven't even looked at those yet. I'd count myself lucky if they were one of the ones I had to do a med prep on, then it wouldn't be SO bad. Let's not forget that if you get an average below 75% on the exams you're automatically kicked out. No pressure or anything...?

Yes, I NEED a vacation. This would be a bajillion times more easy if DH were home. Even if I still had to deal with school and other stuff from the above list, it's just easier when he's here. I don't even know how to explain it, it just is. Of course he gets off at about 4pm, so he can pick up from practices or hit the games and I could have more study time. I just have to make it through this semester. I keep telling myself that. Just make it through this semester. In less than 2 weeks I'll be at the halfway point and it'll be spring break. Thank God I have a great study group. Don't know what I'd do without them. Too bad my kids are off until clinicals. I did mention how much clinical prep I had this week, right? (One of those days my birthday. And the kids keep asking me what kind of cake I want, what gift I want. I told them it was stupid for me to go get myself a birthday cake. They keep telling me to give them money and drop them off and they'll go get it, but isn't that practically the same thing? I know they're trying, believe me. It just seems silly to me. It's not like they can hide anything from me in the car! I ended up telling my oldest I wanted him to go to the movies with me and LIKE the movie I picked out...LOL. I knew he'd like the movie anyway, but I just wanted him to go. I'd gone with my youngest and when we got done, I KNEW he'd love it. So we dragged him out today and did that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to rag on my kids or hubby or anything. It's just teenagers are difficult to deal with at normal times of your life, let alone THESE kinds of times. I thank God that I have great kids, but even great kids have their moments.

I know I have one of the greatest husbands out there too. It can be hard to remember when he's thousands of miles away and I'm cursing the fact that he doesn't have to think about any of this crap. In fact, I don't even talk to him at least 3 days out of the week. There are 2 days on the weekend that he skypes to talk to the kids, but I feel like I can't really talk to him. My oldest makes gagging sounds if we get lovey dovey which kind of ruins the mood (not that we're getting risque or anything, but he'll tell me how much he misses me and he'll pucker up and make kissing noises and you'll hear "OH GEEZ!" in the background. Not conducive for getting mushy, believe me). Too bad there's not family nearby. I sure would love to get away with him when he comes home too. That happened once when my mom lived with us and she took the kids for a long weekend when DH came back from deployment. That was nice.

Yeah, well I can't think of anything else to bitch about (though I'm sure I will as soon as I publish this post) and I'm sure this is enough of a bitchfest for one day. I guess I'll go mope along off to my room and watch a chick flick that will make me even more blah, but I'm not really in the mood to laugh or anything. Maybe I should watch P.S. I love you. Guaranteed bawl fest. Maybe I just need to get it all out? I'm just so tired of faking happy around everyone else, but honestly, who wants to hear all of the above?? I know my kids really could care less, they're in that teenaged "I want a girlfriend and need to call the one I'm after every night as soon as I finish my homework in the fastest way I can no matter if I fail it or not" phase...or that "I could care less about anything going on with you as long as you get me to my practices and games so I can hang out with my buddies and when I get home, there better be something to eat fast or I'll be cranky" phase. People whose husbands aren't deployed don't really understand it, so they don't really want to hear it. Yeah, I'm just going to go ahead and get off here before I go on and on and on because really, who cares?